Goofy post from alt.horror

[Brandi]

I got the fellow's permission to post this (who knows, he may join up eventually)... Hope this time it doesn't have problems!

Subject: A Horrid Interview with Christopher Lee
From: Quote Unquote
Newsgroups: alt.horror

Scene pans from a skittering cockaroach on a cracked, mildewed wall to a burley figure wearing a red, smoking jacket with a rather frightening ventriloquist dummy in his lap, seated in a dingy, dark apartment.

QUOTE: Good evening, night-owls! Happy you could tune in again for another midnight installment of "Horrid Interview" here on Strageland Public Access. This is stalker of the stars and the world's premiere Usenet
ventriloquist Quote Unquote accompanied, as always, by my hideous, demonic clown-puppet Ponce De Peon.

PONCE: That's me!

QUOTE: And we are honored beyond the capacity for words to welcome veteran horror actor Christopher Lee to the set, for what is sure to go down as the most splendid Horrid Interview of all time. Mr. Lee, may I just say I'm a tremendous fan, obviously, and I'm immensely proud to have a living, horror icon here in my squalid little apartment. I can hardly believe it, but here you are.

LEE: (Awkward) Yes... And I have your assurance that you'll untie me when this is all over?...

QUOTE: The pleasure is all mine. Now, let me start with what I think is the one question I've been dying to ask you since I was a kid...

QUOTE seems to falter, struggles to remember the question and then evidently goes into a trance. A minute passes, followed by another. An ambulance can be heard wailing in the distance then fades out of earshot. After awhile Quote mutters something about apple strudel, and trails out again, deep in some half-catatonic stupor.

PONCE shakes his head, leans in and whispers something into the host's ear.

QUOTE: Huh? Oh yes, I have it... How many movies would you say you've been in?

LEE: (Weary) Well, rather too many to count, I should think. If you hadn't hit me over the head quite so hard, earlier, I might be able to give you a ballpark estimate.

QUOTE: Really? How interesting...

There is another long pause. LEE struggles to work loose from his ropes, to no avail.

QUOTE: Tell me, do you still regret turning down the role of Frankenstein?

LEE: Frankenstein? I didn't turn down Frankenstein. That was one of my first movie roles.

QUOTE: Well, I have it on good authority that you turned it down after Dracula, became addicted to morphine and have basically been relegated to the Hell of Skid-row productions and dreary B-movies every since.

LEE: Your "good authority" is stark raving mad, then, because I played Frankenstein before I played Dracula. You must have me confused with Bela Lugosi. I'm not *that* old, you know. He dies in 1957.

QUOTE briefly looks perplexed, then his eyes light up.

QUOTE: "PULL THE STRING!" Hah? Hah?

LEE: (Dazed) No, no...

PONCE: (To LEE) I tried to tell him...

QUOTE: Shut up, you!

LEE: Look, could we get this over with? I'm having a difficult time staying concious.

QUOTE: Fascinating. Just between you and me: what kind of porn do you like?

LEE: (Disgusted) Do you honestly expect me to respond to that?

PONCE: Yeah, that is *so* Howard Stern.

QUOTE: How did it feel when Dr. Van Helsing pounded that stake into your heart?

LEE: (Shaking head) Uh... It stung a bit.

QUOTE: You don't say? Tell me, do you still regret turning down Franken-

PONCE: You *asked* that one already.

LEE: Listen, I don't wish to impose, but could I trouble you for something to drink? One works up quite a thirst locked up in the trunk of a car for six hours.

QUOTE: Ah! Where are my manners? Ponce?

PONCE leaps off of QUOTE's lap and skips to the refridgerator.

LEE: GOOD LORD! He's alive!

QUOTE: No, he's just a chunk of wood. But *he* doesn't know that. (Winks)

PONCE pours a goblet of red liquid from a bottle, skips back, and lifts it to LEE's face.

LEE: (Extremely dubious) That's not what I think it is?...

QUOTE: No, it's blood. Fresh squeezed this morning. That should pick you up.

LEE: You understand, I'm not really Dracula. I'm not a vampire at all. Dracula is just a fictional character. I don't, as a general rule, drink blood.

QUOTE: How about some water, then?

LEE: Yes, that's more what I had in mind, really.

PONCE nudges LEE, shaking his head vigorously.

PONCE: The water in this building is deadly poisonous.

LEE: (Weary) Well, that won't do, will it?

PONCE: Well, no point in letting this go to waste...

PONCE takes a large gulp from the goblet. Blood drips down his face and over his colorful harlequin crest.

LEE: Oh... Revolting!

Then LEE has an idea.

LEE: Perhaps I will have some... Uh... Blood. But I ask that you untie me so I don't spill any on my expensive Italian suit.

QUOTE: That seems reasonable. PONCE?

PONCE shrugs, sets the glass down and unties LEE. LEE immedietly springs to his feet, grabs PONCE by the neck, and holds him in the air strangling him, growling savagely.

PONCE: GUCK!

QUOTE: Ladies and gentlemen! Christopher Lee has elected to give us an impromptu performance! Is he Dracula? Murder Legendre from White Zombie? Doctor Vollin from The Raven?

LEE: (Through clenched teeth) That's BELA LUGOSI you imbecile!

LEE drops PONCE and grabs the decorative broadsword off of the wall. PONCE gets to his feet and promptly has his head struck off by the nearly feral LEE.

PONCE: OW!

QUOTE: BRAVO! BRAVISIMO! (Claps heartily)

PONCE's body staggers around without it's head. LEE looks on, stunned for a moment, then wheels around to face QUOTE

LEE: YOU! Perhaps you'd like to see an encore? There was a time, in my secret service days, when I wouldn't hesitate a moment to kill a man. But the London papers would have a field day with this, so I'll let the
American authorities deal with you and this spangled monstrosity of yours. And just as soon as I get out of here and find a phone...

PONCE's body runs blindly into LEE and falls over.

PONCE'S HEAD: A little help, here?

LEE: No... On second thought, I'll deal with you in my own time, in my own way, when you least expect it! Mark my words, Quequeg, or whatever your name is, I will have my revenge! I'll make you beg for the opportunity to rot in prison!

LEE looks at his watch, casts the sword aside, and brushes himself off.

LEE: But now I'm late to a charity dinner for Forrest Ackerman.

LEE struggles with the door, finally ripping it off it's hinges, and exits. PONCE's body gets up, trips over the sword, and falls back down.

PONCE'S: You know, it's amazing! This happens every time!

QUOTE: (To camara) Well, there you go. If that wasn't a Horrid Interview, I don't know what is. Much better than that ham Anthony Hopkins. You'd think he's never been in a strait-jacket before...

PONCE's body, groping around for it's head, runs into the empty chair and falls over again.

QUOTE: (Pulling out a volume of "Halliwell's Who's Who In The Movies") Join us again next time, when I'll be interviewing:

QUOTE turns to a random page and points at a name.

QUOTE: "Lionel Atwill" Hmmm. Didn't he play Frankenstein?

QUOTE throws the book over his shoulder as the end music fades in.

QUOTE: Until then, this is Quote Unquote wishing you a *very* Horrid evening.

Music swells up as camera pans out.

QUOTE: Alright, Ponce, get your head together and grab the shovel, we have a plane to catch...

OUT

What the hell was that ! LOL
where did that come from?

Wierd

[Brandi]

Like I said... I read it on alt.horror and thought it was so damn goofy that you guys might get a laugh out of it too.