Writer's Competition - Entry No 2

[Juan Aneiros]

By Rebecca Rohan

"They'd never go for it," said Rachel.

"They might," said Boyd.

"Maybe," Rachel mused. "It would benefit all of them... but they all want to win themselves. I suppose the argument could be made... considering that everyone would get the same reward of sound files to install on their computers. I mean, the winning place would be taken up by my silly story, but everyone would understand it wasn't due to talent. Can you just imagine what it would be like if that story won and Mr. Lee recorded it, as written? We would all walk away with these golden audio clips of Christopher Lee himself saying, in his deepest and most serious voice, things like, 'You have mail.' Imagine hooking that up to Eudora or Outlook Express and hearing his voice instead of the stupid sound effects people have on their computers now? I mean, I love Worf, but how many times a day can you listen to him saying 'Captain -- incoming message?' No, I want that deep, velvet Christopher Lee voice in tones that make the earth tremble as he commands: 'You
will get your mail now.' Or a more playfully Scaramanga voice saying, 'You'd better get your mail -- before it gets you.'"

Boyd began to join into the spirit of it. "How about his sinister voice, sounding almost amused about the snake he sees behind you, ready to strike, as he says, 'Hadn't you better... check your mail?'"

"Yes!" agreed Rachel, excitedly. "Perhaps a completely new character -- a tall, dark, handsome nobleman from Eastern Europe, who says, 'You will come this way. There are letters waiting for you on the bureau.'"

"I've got one," said Boyd. "It's that movie where he was in the German Army and the British soldiers were stealing the art the Germans had stolen from other people."

"Yes, yes!" Rachel interrupted. "What would he say?"

"In the German accent," Boyd continued, showing some annoyance at the interruption, and taking his time to answer, "In the German soldier accent, he says, 'Pick up ze letters und read zem, und do exZEKtly as you are tolt.'"

Rachel fell silent. She could just hear Christopher Lee doing that perfectly. What more could there be? Well... he could do all his lines from "La Frusta e il corpo" in English.... or maybe just a few of his best lines to Daliah Lavi from that film:

"Yes, Losat -- I am back."
"No one. I came back because I heard of your marriage."
"My dear brother, I've already told you -- I came back to compliment you on your choice of a wife."
"The same old story."
"You're so wrong, Father. I also came back for that."
"I've never had a warmer welcome."
"My pretty little cousin."
"You're still in love with my brother, aren't you?"
"Poison?"
"It is I, Father."
"Be careful!"
"Are you afraid of me?"
"You haven't changed, I see!"
"You always loved violence."
"She's right -- you'd better hurry."
"You don't agree?"
"You belong to me."
"Call him! Call him and tell him you've always been mine!"
"I've come back for you -- and to get my revenge on all those who hate me."
"Because you belong to me. Only to me."
"We've got to go away from here."
"Yes, you will. Because you love me -- and your love for me is greater than anything in this world."
"Come away with me."

Rachel was still imagining Christopher Lee saying the lines she'd heard so many times in another actor's voice when Boyd snapped her back to reality with more of his impression of the German officer from "Private's Progress."

"I knew you vould like zat one," clowned Boyd, then resumed his normal voice. "But your taste is pretty demented. If you want everyone to vote for this, you're going to have to give him lines they want to hear him say on their computers."

"How about something for the Windows opening sound?" Rachel offered. "Like, the old first thing in the morning at the mansion, the meaningful, 'I trust you slept well.' Or, 'Welcome... to Windows. Enter of your own free will.'"

"Or to exit Windows," Boyd said in his best Christopher Lee voice, "'Gates will show you to your room,' or, in a really nasty pirate voice, 'Take them down below!' -- or hey -- in a slow, meaningful king's voice, "Take her to the dungeon.'"

"How about a computer error message?" said Rachel. "He could use his biggest voice to give the warnings:
'You have made a serious mistake.'
'Stop where you are.'
'Don't go any further.'
'If you try that again, your screen will show nothing but the night.'
'You have violated the integrity of the system.'
'Stop or face mass destruction!'
'Stop, or you will be destroyed.'
'I am the apo...' never mind that one," said Rachel. But I'd love to hear him doing that story where the Czech actor springs up from the ground in 'Howling 2' and says, 'Attention! Werewolf!'"

"Don't get too greedy," said Boyd. Even if the other members think this is a good idea and vote for it, that doesn't mean Mr. Lee is going to put up with saying everything you want him to say. The man has a life, you know."

"I know," said Rachel. But I thought it would be cool if we could write in a list of member names so he could say each one, then we could edit our sound files and personalize the messages he gives us. All he would have to do is say each name with a slight pause between, like this:

Rachel
Adam
Alfonso
Alison
Andre
Angela
Azraelfin
Basiliea
BG Meadows
Carmen
Charles
Christina
Claudia
Colin
Crunch
Cutshaw
Domenick
Farre
Florian
Gena
Grace
Greg
Jacob
James
Jeff
Joakim
Joe
JR Casey
Kimi
Madlyn
Michelle
MNL Lee
Monica
Pam
PJ
Prospero
Rebecca
Rich
Rita
Robert
Scranstone
Sean
Silvisjka
Steffi
Sylain
Tony
Tracey
Vicky
Victoria
Vixis
Wendy
Whygor

"I see you got your name up there first," said Boyd.

"So?" said Rachel.

"You don't exist. So isn't that a bit of a waste?" asked Boyd.

"I don't exist -- but the member name of the author exists, and the author wishes that name were at the top of the list, but it can't be, because that would give away who it is. My name up there is symbolic."

"You're weird," said Boyd.

"I'm not the one who filled a new cat litter pan with dry oatmeal, then added Almond Roca mini log candy, tossed in a new cat litter scoop, and set the whole works on the table, waiting to scoop up a "log" and munch on it every time someone came to the door," said Rachel.

"What about answering machine messages?" suggested Boyd, frostily.

Rachel's mouth fell open. "See why you're my other best friend?" she said, in amazement. "Mr. Lee could say, in a sophisticated, sinister voice:
'I'm sorry, but .................................................. .................. is unable to reach the telephone at this time....'
Or:
'Oh, dear. The person you're trying to reach doesn't seem able to respond. I'll see if I can't bring them around.' (pause) 'Too bad.'"

Boyd seemed inspired to start his more sinister Peter Lorre impressions, which were really pretty good. When he'd finished, he said, "What about just a simple, 'Hello' for opening Windows and 'Goodbye' for closing it? What about the cartoon characters that he allegedly did at the birthday party? Yosemite Sam and another one? Do you think he really did that?" asked Boyd.

"I don't know... but I wouldn't know the words to write into this story to recreate it, even if it did happen," said Rachel. She sighed. "It would be entirely up to the grace of Mr. Lee to ad lib for us now. But the cartoon character sounds would be used everywhere, by so many of his fans on their computers and answering machines every day, and on whatever technologies are made in the future. If it does happen, thank you, Mr. Lee, from all of us!"